Forecast for today - red and itchy

Forget Heather the Weather - there's only one forecast that counts when visiting the Highlands of Scotland and that's the midge forecast. The service comes from Advanced Pest Solutions, an Edinburgh University start up and uses data from midge traps and the met office to forecast midge activity.

Scot makes world cup finals

There will be a Scot involved in the World Cup finals! Alan Cairncross from Fife is head groundsman at Berlin's Olympic Stadium. Our football team may be shite but we're the best at cutting grass - hurrah!

Come back Cameron!

'kin 'ell - where in Sidney Devine's name are they dragging the Scottish contingent up from this year?

...and how the hell do you end up being an Unemployed Nail Technician? My careers advisor never fucking told me about that!

Blue Nile gig in Glasgow

The Blue Nile are the very definition of enigmatic, and who would want to change that? What we have left are the rumours, legends and myths.

A Walk Across the Rooftops was a work of such stunning musical perfection that Linn Products, makers of some of the best audio equipment in the world created a record label just so that their customers could listen to the Blue Nile on Linn turntables and weep at what they were hearing.

They operate on a glacial timescale, taking on average 5 years to produce each album, and last performed live over 10 years ago. Their search for perfection is obsessive – they once destroyed an entire album’s worth of material because they were not happy with it.

The Blue Nile as a band seem to be dead now but Robert Bell and Paul Buchanan are back for this series of 10 gigs. Having waited for so long I was frankly keechin’ masel about this gig, the only person more nervous was, I think, Paul Buchanan.

The voice is still aching, the soundscape still filled with the ephemeral - haunting scenes and emotions glimpsed from moving trains and automobiles, guilty glances into the minutiae of others’ lives, and always an unfulfilled desire for some sort of connection.

In short it was a fucking incredible 2 hours which passed in minutes. If you are very lucky you may still be able to see them in London or Brighton.

Lack of Belief

Mars are getting behind Sven and the boys by changing their label to the word - Believe. Believe England can do it. Make your support for England heard says the promo web site.

So small problem - what do Mars do in Scotland where the average punter would rather believe in the tooth fairy than an England win. Do you distribute the normal bar? Do you come up with an alternative campaign? Nah you lazily stick up Billboard ads which show the Believe bar sitting on top of a Scotland flag with the date 2010 on it.

Fucking shoddy marketing Mars, and you truly deserve to see you sales plummet in Scotland!

Water, water everywhere...

There are not enough fucking superlatives (nor swear words) in the dictionary to sum up just how good the Paul Buchanan/Blue Nile gig was. While I think up some more, here's an amusing story from Scotland on Sunday about the Dunvegan fire station which has no water.

One of my in-laws is a Dunvegan fireman. He recently answered the emergency call...and ended up at his own gaff! Fact. Dunno how they got the fire out with nae water mind.

Glasgow Concert Hall

Troops!

Last gig I was at was Hard Fi at Brixton Academy next is RHCP at Earls Court - so I'm not au fait with the etiquette of concert halls. This would explain why I am desperately looking for a way to intravenously inject Stella into my system while the people in the queue for the bar (yeah queue not rammy) are ordering decaf coffee!!

About to see Paul Buchanan - review to follow.

Ashoka Cook book

I predict a quick sale of at least one copy of this book in Sydney.

Sanjay Majhu has just released The Ashoka cook book revealing the secrets his chain of Glasgow curry houses.

World Cup: Come on Scotland

Mind back in March there was a survey that claimed that 69% of Scots would be supporting England at the World Cup? - we, and almost everyone else cried foul on this stat.

A few weeks before it all kicks off and the true position is so much clearer.

The Daily Record have signed up Russell Latapy to provide a World Cup diary - using the slogan, "Real Trinidadians read the Record."

Irn Bru are sponsoring Jason Scotland and will be putting up "Come on Scotland" billboards across the country.

..and Jack McConnell has stated that he will not be supporting England but teams with Scottish based players in them.

All a good bit of fun but I think that McConnell's stance is pretty petty and a pathetic attempt at populism. I'd of admired him a lot more if he'd had the balls to say that he hoped England did well.

...and has anyone found somewhere that you can buy Soca Warrior replica kit? I can't find anyone who has it in stock, nothing on Ebay either.

Mind the gap!

Locals call it the Kingdom - but it looks like the King of Gypos is in town. Some pikey has been going round Fife stealing drain covers for their scrap metal value. Closer investigation reveals that this has been going on for years ! Expect Fife police to have a supect sometime around 2008.

Thanks to James for the tip!

Calvin Klein's Jakey

£75 quid for whisky perfume - or you could walk into The Horseshoe and splash some low-flyer round yer smelly bits for a couple of quid...the decision is yours.

Economist's Lament for Scotland

Concentrate - here comes a serious bit...

I have finally had a chance to read the Economist's Special Report on Scotland. It is, as you would expect of the Economist, a very well written piece. The main points are:

• That Devolution has not fuelled further calls for Independence.
• That to have real power the Scottish Parliament needs to have tax raising powers.
• This lack of real power has not helped the Economy - the article sees Scottish MSPs as teenagers living off an allowance and therefore not motivated to create the conditions for growth.
• That the economy is fat on public sector funding and that the Executive is "slow to tax, quick to spend, and even quicker to ban"
• That only economic growth can help relieve the poverty that some areas of Scotland suffer from.

There's been a somewhat predictable response from politicians and the media:

"Who gives a toss what a London hack thinks of us?," asks the Sunday Herald - ironically proving the assertion that Anglophobia is on the rise!

"rambling thoughts of someone on a day trip from London," says Jack McConnell

"a lack of informed comment on the true political position here." says the SNP

and my personal favourite:

"The author of this article should be sent homewards to think again," says Lorainne "can you see my growler?" Kelly.

This week's Economist came through my letterbox at the same time as Scottish Field which contains a pretty pathetic article titled - Has Scotland recovered it's pride?. I get the feeling McConnell and Co. will be happier with the argument that a few commonwealth medals have made everything rosy in Scotland - it doesn't challenge them with any unpalatable home truths!

The Gay Gordons

The Gay Gordons are a Scottish country dance group run for the gay and lesbian community and their friends in London. They meet up weekly in Islington to hurl each other round Unity Hall, and are having a summer geilidh (pronounced 'gaily') on Friday June 23rd at the Rivoli Ballroom.

Funken A - top punnage!

Britblog Blogmeet

Quick note on the Britblog Blogmeet - a thoroughly nice bunch of folk. Very nice to meet you and look forward to doing it again.

Visit their blogs, give them love, and if you are in London and reading this I hope you can make it to the next one.

Mark
George
Tom
Darren
Godwin

Ichi Ni San

Some poor sap with nae taste whatsoever has nicked Coisty's clothes. Cally Calling provides you with this exclusive picture of the prime suspect.

UPDATE: Cow theft sweepstake

Bad news everybody!

I missed this earlier in the week - but the BBC reported on Wednesday that Fruit Smoothie was the first cow to be rustled from Cow Parade.

The Caledonia Calling sweepstake attracted a massive 3 entries. Cows were put on the street late last week but May 15 was the official start of the event - so I'll take 00.01 on Monday as the start. Fruit Smoothie was therefore stolen about 48 hours into the event.

Yoshimitsu - You lose (the mug)
The anonymous person who said 39.25 hours therefore wins! I've no idea how you can prove that you are that anonymous person but if you want to try, email me: digbeth@gmail.com

Lloyds TSB says anyone with information about the theft should call 0131 260 0392.

RELATED:
Cowgate Sweepstake - win a prize.
Update: Cow rustling
Cow Theft

Economist sticks the boot in

News everybody!

I've not had a chance to read this whole article, but the intro is enough to make me post it immediately. According to the Economist:

"Scotland has regressed into an inward-looking, slightly chip-on-shoulder, slightly Anglophobic country with no clear sense of direction."

I expect apoplectic nationalists to be lining up to condemn this...

Britblog Meet

Alright Troops!

If you are a London blogger get yer arse tae Covent Garden on Sunday.

Cow theft

A cow has been stolen - unfortunately not in Edinburgh but St Louis. All bets still on.

Review: Paolo Nutini at Camden Barfly

A Monday malaise meant that I missed Paolo Nutini fae Paisley and Glasgow's The Haze (pictured) at Barfly in Camden last night.

Friend of Cally Calling - Euphemia Camden-McTaggart (aka LinziB) did make it. She drank so much cheap lager that she's completely blanked all memory of The Haze, but was much taken by young Paolo and in particular the track Alloa. You can read a full review on her blog.

Update: Cow rustling

The sweepstake on how long it is before some wee ned steals one of the cows from the Edinburgh Cow Parade is still running. So far all cows are still in place - but 4 have been damaged.

So fucking predicatable!

Creeping around Wishy

The Wishaw Press has been reporting on a new craze called creeping where kids break into abandoned buildings and take photos of themselves. They're against this sort of thing in Wishy.

A little bit of research reveals that Urban Exploration is quite a well organised movement - and as someone who has always appreciated a good shuftie around old buildings I think it sounds quite cool.

Let's all give it a go!

Proclaimer's London Gig

Proclaimers are playing Shakespeare's Globe on June 5. Some hippy charity event. See you at the Bar - mine's a Lager.

Beam me down a bottle of Buckie

Aberdeen council wants local pubs and clubs to cash in by inventing a range of Star Trek themed drinks. The idea comes from the character Scotty who claimed in one episode to be, "an old Aberdeen pub crawler".

I recently heard of a “cocktail” which involved mixing Campari with Buckfast – the person describing the drink was understandably unsure as to the proportions, a dodd of each probably.

I propose calling this drink “The Redshirt”, given its colour and the effect it is likely to have on the unfortunate drinker.

technorati tags: Scotland, Aberdeen, Star+Trek, drinking, Scotty

20 inches of cuteness

1,2,3...aaaaaawwwwwwwhhhh!

Head to Hazlehead Park's Pets' Corner in Aberdeen to see Harvey, the 20 inch high minature donkey.

How Scottish are you?

Looking to bunk off work for 3.26 minutes? Take the How Scottish are you? quiz.

I almost smiled...

Let's invade England!

Cross border tension between England and Scotland is rising ahead of the Word Cup.

First of all the Birmingham Post has only gone and dissed The Shetlands for being depressing (reporter Shahid Naqvi worked this out without even going there - give the man a Pulitzer I say!)
The Shetland Times has hit back saying that Birmingham is full of gun crime, racism and pollution.

Secondly - the Sassenachs are trying to impose their completely immoral and indefensible fishing licenses on the Scottish section of the River Esk. Fishing in every other river in Scotland is FREEEEEEEEEEE, but because the Esk also flows through England, the bastards claim rights to tax the Scottish bit.

Fuck diplomacy - let's nip this in the bud now by invading. Brown can take No.10 and we'll sabotage Sven by forcing him to pick Drunken Duncan.

Forget auntie - get it first on Cally Calling

When it comes to the scoop folks you can forget the BBC - Caledonia Calling is always first with news of Scottish weirdness.

On April 26 we told you about Cowgate art in Edinburgh, the BBC got there a few days later.

On May 2 we brought you the story of Angela Graham and her dog's Buckie problem, and 8 days later the BBC catches up with the news.

I've seen a lot of activity on the site from a BBC domain - maybe they, like you dear readers, know that this is the best place to hear it first. Visit regularly, and for fuck's sake keeping clicking on the banner ad at the top of the page - my London taxes are keeping the Barnet Formula going.

Map of Glasgow from the 1950s

I think I've discovered that among all my other geek tendencies I might also be a bit of a map geek. I've just spent about 30 minutes staring at this map of Glasgow from the 1950s. Not so long ago, and I think I found it fascinating because for everything you find that has changed, there's plenty that is exactly the same.

Map geeks enjoy!

Whisky top of the booze brands

Branding company Intangible Business have produced a report on the world's strongest spirits brands.

Top Ten Spirit and Wine Brands
1 Smirnoff
2 Bacardi
3 Johnnie Walker
4 Martini
5 Stolichnaya
6 Hennessy
7 Jack Daniels
8 Absolut
9 Ballantines
10 Baileys

Looking at the shelves of my local supermarket I get the feeling that whisky is doing a pretty good job of promoting itself, but I'm surprised to see only two whisky brands in the top 10 - and very surprised to see Ballantines so high. The first malt comes in at 63 - Glenfiddich, so there is clearly lots of room for up-side in brand awareness of malts.

...wait, I have an idea for a top 10 cocktail - shot of each, mixed over ice - what do you think?

Come get me -Adair ya!

The Sunday Times runs a good story about Johnny "Mad Dog" Adair the loyalist terrorist who has 'retired' to the seaside town of Troon. He is looking for Peace among the sea-shore cafes, run-down amusement arcades and shingle beach.

Mind you if I was after peace I don't think I'd be taunting the UDA the way Adair does:

"These people are cowards. They wouldn’t have the intelligence to put a plan into operation to assassinate me."

So now that Nardini's is shut you can amuse yersel in Troon by doing some Adair spotting. I'm sure he'll welcome the attention!

Keyword Analysis

Blah....slow off the mark at catching up with the wires this Monday. Instead here is a post out of the late great Aloysius Munn's book. A wee peek at the search phrases people use before they wash up on the shores of Caledonia Calling. I find these invaluable in getting into the mind of my readers:

Scottish fucking - it's just like any other sort of fucking except you hold a can of Tennants in one hand and a meat pie in the other.

Advantage of sports kilts - I didnae even know you could get sports kilts. Are Trinidad and Tobago going to wear them in the world cup? And then instead of the haka they could recreate that scene from Carry on up the Khyber...

boaking Scottish - boaks a great word innit? You gie me the boak! - I'm going to try and get that phrase into a business meeting this week.

Is calling someone Scottish racist? - asked some poor lost individual of Jeeves. I've no idea what the now retired butler had to say in response, which saddens me. Now fuck off you Scottish twat. Movie characters called Bungdit Din and The Karsi are racist, being called Scottish is merely insulting.

I also get a lot of image searches for "leatherface," although personally I don't think MacLemon is that ugly.

In a related technical intermission - Google Sitemaps rocks. (or is that rawks!) And if you use Blogger then so does this code for producing a site map.

London Gig - Paolo Nutini

Paolo Nutini is tipped to be the biggest thing to come out of Paisley since the pattern. I've only heard one song on the radio - and the boy can certainly sing. The whole singer-songwriter thing worries me in a David Gray, James Blunt kind of way though. I get the feeling that he should really find himself a couple of filthy punks and form a band.

Still I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt - London Barfly, May 15. See you in the mosh pit.

Have you considered a salad sir?

The Herald is reporting that a discussion document from the National Licensing Board recommends that publicans should provide sensible eating advice!

Hell ain't a bad place to be

Some fools kid themselves that J M Barrie is the most famous son of Kirriemuir in Angus.

Others know that it's Bon Scott.

They'll be unveiling a plaque and playing a few tunes in his honour this weekend.

A fucking plaque! He deserves a 50 foot high statue.

Banned in Scotland: 2 - this time it's personal

I thought it would be a few weeks before I updated the list, but they are flooding in...

Summer's here, enjoy a glass of wine al fresco and you could find yourself pic-'nicked'. Scotland on Sunday reports on the relentless creep of restrictions on drinking outside.

In the executive's sights: Junk food in Schools - so I guess some bans are better than others, but still if your kids eat crap it's YOUR fault not the government's.

Grampian hospitals are banned from telling expectant mothers the sex of their weans.

RELATED:
Banned in Scotland

Well done Hearts

We all know that leagues don't lie - and Rangers fans know that McLeish rode his luck with mediocre teams more than once, this was once too often.

So well done to Hearts, and also to Gretna who now take up a UEFA spot. I'd say that it's been an exciting Scottish season if the quality of the football had not been so pish.

12 Books that changed the Highlands - and bored the rest of us to death

The West Highland Free Press copies Melvyn Bragg and comes up with a list of 12 Books that have changed the Highlands....and a fucking fascinating list it is too. It seeths with the pent up passions of a crofter's daughter falling for the swarthy Wee Free priest who screams "the power of Christ compels thee" at the height of their forbidden congress.

...but enough of the pulp fiction that is The Report of the Napier Commission, why the hell is Hellspout by Bill Knox not on the list. Without a doubt the finest novel with a Western Isle setting and I'll have-you if you disagree.

For what it's worth here's the list - I think in reverse order. If you can tick off more than 3 then you are beyond help.

1) “The Hill of the Red Fox”, by Allan Campbell McLean

2) “Who Owns Scotland?”, by John MacEwen

3) “Whisky Galore”, by Compton Mackenzie

4) “The Making of the Crofting Community”, by James Hunter

5) “Folksongs and Folklore of South Uist”, by Margaret Fay Shaw

6) “Tir “‚Mhurain”, by Paul Strand

7) Carmina Gadelica, by Alex­ander Carmichael

8) Dwelly’s Illustrated Gaelic-English Dictionary, by Edward Dwelly

9) A Description of the Western Islands of Scotland, by Martin Martin

10) Dain do Eimhir, le Somhairle MacGill-Eain, by Sorley MacLean

11) The Report of the Napier Commission

12) The Gaelic Bible, translated by Reverends James and John Stewart

Buckie - bad for you, bad for your pets

From the Cumbernauld News, meet Angela Graham who is battling to keep her dog aff ra Buckie. For a party piece it can bark "Buckie"...and "square sausages," honest.

RELATED:
Pure Class (great Buckie picture)

How stupid do you need to be

So, Air Scotland.

The airline that ran out of money and couldn't pay for fuel.

That airline that despite its name opperates out of an English airport and has Greek owners.

The airline that delays you for 34 hours and gives you 8 quid in vouchers for food and drink.

Here's a clue folks the only interest in Scotland that Air Scotland has is that they think Scots are so fucking stupid that they are going to keep booking with them. Get wise!

Banned in Scotland

I'm no longer writing about these, I'm just going to keep a list:

On the statute books:
Hot water

In the firing line:
Sunbeds - is this an end to all those orange lassies on Buchanan St?
Lapdancing

RELATED:
Nothing soft about Scottish paternalism
Update on Glasgow glass ban
Things you canny do in Glasgow

Scottish Football Non-Legends

Just come across the Herald's Scottish Football Non-Legends feature. This week they celebrate the silky skills of Terry Hurlock - "so scary he played for Milwall twice."

Previous entries include:

Stuart Slater - "the mentally challenged man's Jimmy Johnstone".
Joe Tortolano - holder of world record for sending off in a Testimonial.
Billy Abercrombie - three red cards in one Love Street match!
Ally Brazil - "gnarled, wiry, distinctly unphotogenic." (pictured)

and BTW the Herald's archives truly suck - trust me I build web sites for a living. For example the archive section offered to sell me the Stuart Slater article above for £1.95. However, by mucking around with the 5 digit article ids I found a free version of it. I guess if you had the patience you could do this with all their archive articles.