Spew Beauty

We're all used to hearing about Scottish neds going abroad, getting carried away and boaking up all over themselves - so it's good to see to Andrew Murray adding a new twist to the tale.

As you will see after the jump - I stole this headline from the Daily Record - class!

Scotland producing a new Tennis star is almost as surprising as the fact that everyone I visited in Glasgow this weekend was watching the cricket and supporting England!. I remember the welcome I had in the Penny Black in Edinburgh when we tried to watch the 1992 Cricket World Cup - not yer friend.

Hot air

How come no-one in Scotland has come up with this?

Today's Teuchter Watch

I've been neglecting the Teuchters for a while - sorry.

After the jump a junkie that has shot up over 44 000 times and tells harrowing tales of, "countless needles and syringes."

In Greenock they give you an award for this type of behaviour.

Monkey and Chips

After writing about J&B's new clear whisky I was surfing around and also found this bad boy - Monkey Shoulder.

Anyone tried it?

Book 'em

Desperate to drum up a bit of publicity the Edinburgh Book Festival have come up with a list of Scotland's favourite books.

We're well short of cash here at Castle CC so I decided that I'd link to the top three, but add in an Amazon affiliate link which would let me make 13.5 pence or something like that.

I'd never heard of the first two - but they must be really good - BUY THEM!!

1: Sunset Song

2: The Game of Kings

3: Trainspotting

and let me know if you don't agree with the choices.

Bag it!

Ireland bans smoking...Scotland bans smoking.

Ireland introduces plastic bag tax...Scotland proposes introduction of plastic bag tax.

Like my ma used to say, if Ireland stood in front of a 38 bus, would you?

Scottish Blogs

Filed under "if it's nae Scottish"... I've found this directory of Scottish Blogs.

Not entirely sure about the merits of this, but as a Scottish Blogger I'd better be careful about what I say.

White in - white out

Just came across J&Bs -6⁰C - a clear whisky designed for mixing in cocktails and enticing younger drinkers.

You don't seem to be able to buy it anywhere yet - I'll get myself down Gerry's and have a look there - but I've heard that you can ask for it in LAB.

Only brand new customers can slap us

At school some of my teachers liked to add to the torture of punishment by allowing the kids to decide on their punishment - six of the belt or detention?

Which leads me to ponder, is a slap worse than a cabbage?

Hit me baby

It's a measure of how much the boy has fallen that I can't actually find anywhere to link to for this one.

Read in the Herald that Darius Danesh has been dropped by his record label.

Bearsden no more, as the brothers would sing.

Aff tae Raintown

Heading to Glasgow this weekend so you'll be hearing hee-haw fae me.

Rumours abound that the Polmont Cottager might be doing some posting on the site over the next couple of days. Watch the boy - especially if he chooses the cubicle next to yours - ya ken?

Too far!

There's the official international festival, the fringe, the book festival, the film festival (if you call showing Reg's latest piece of crap a festival), but really - they've taken the whole festival thing too far now.

Chocolate Teapot

Found this diary of MSP of Linda Fabiani. It's not bad although her call for a Scottish Olympic team to enter the 2012 games is the sort of shite that I'd expect of the SNP.

Could perhaps be a bit more bloggy as well, she likes her wurds. Have a read, and like the Geordie says - you decide.

I am very sad in that posting this I will be pushing Kirsty a bit down the page!

Dog of the week

Here is some more Country Life stuff:

CL does this weird thing where they publish a picture of some young filly and display some short notes about her pedigree. I think this is like some sort of stud service for toffs - Julian and Quentin get to check whether one's potential partner has all her own teeth before beginning one's courtship.

Here is this weeks young lass - Kirsty McLean fae Perth.

Note 1: The staff at Country Life apparently call this page - Dog of the Week - hence the title. I personally have nothing against the lovely Kirsty.

Note 2: I have heard rumours that this is an advertising page and that fathers wanting to get rid of their daughters pay rate card of £3.5k to get this page. Don't actually believe this though.

The Last King of Scotland

Idi Amin apparantly wanted to depose Queen Elizabeth as monarch of Scotland

...which led to a book,
...which led to a film,
...which led to the producers of the film getting their asses sued.

all because the film alleges that Idi Amin was a cannibal.

I think he was lining his stomach in preparation for the pies at Hampden.

Today's Teuchter Watch: Breaking the Sabbath

The Caithness Courrier has a nice piece on ways in which the Teuchters would break the Sabbath.

"A woman servant was drunk on a Sabbath day and spewed in the Kirk during the
service."

Hurrah for spewing.

Is Caledonia Calling?

I know that a lot of you think about moving back to Scotland. I sometimes think of it myself - then I remember just what a parochial mono-culture I've left behind.

Anyway if you've made a bit on property in the South and have ever had one of those pub chats that go along the lines of, "you can buy a castle for that sort of money in Scotland", then think again.

I present to you, Gledfield Estate in Sutherland. 37 miles to the nearest kebab shop and the cheeky buggers want £7.8 million for it.

My cousin takes the photaes for people like Savills so I guess I should be a bit more respectful of image copyright - but feck it.

I'm aff it

Belhaven don't seem to make cooking lager, so I guess I'm not too fussed about their take over by Greene King.

I also like a pint of Special - not fae the Jasmine Tandoori in Ullapool mind (jump then scroll to the bottom).

Country Life's cover caught my eye this week (the Scottish bit, not the sheep) and in a moment of madness I forked out £3 to buy it.

With the amount of property advertising they carry a £3 cover price is an absolute rip-off.

What can I say? What a wonderfully anachronistic publication - and what a load of shite their articles are.

In an attempt to get my money back I'll be sharing some of their material with you - look out for the Scottish Dog of the Week and your chance to own a Sunderland hunting estate.

You nose yer in trouble when Reg is your big star.

Just look at his smug orange coupin.

and yeah yeah, Withnail was alright but that does not excuse the rest of his career

Today's teuchter watch

Get yersel to Ballater this weekend for the Royal Ballater Horticultural Society's 129th Annual Exhibition (pdf link).

Don't say I didn't give you plenty of notice.



Where the feck is Ballater btw?

Who'd of thunk it...

Rain delays cricket.

Clydesdale Closure

Now these muppets should have gone out and bought a few cabbages (see below).

I had an account with the Clydesdale once - the manager was everything you would expect of middle management in Glasgow's Southside -ie an officious little prick.

18 months...

till it reeks of piss.

You cabbage!

The Bank of Scotland - now HBOS or summat - has come up with a novel way of motivating staff who are poor performers. The cabbage game! (this link might self-destruct in 24 hours).

Here are the rules of the game - that Howard chap comes round and sings a song about what a div you are, and then all the staff do Joey Deacon impersonations every time you try and talk.

Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

Did you see the cricket?

It was a focken exciting finish to the match wasn't it!

For the ned in your life

The Finishing Academy is offering courses for young gentlemen in Aberdeen.

I've always said that a man's no a man unless he kens his Buckie from his Château Lafite Rothschild.

Whisky Galore

Spent all day doing this.

Then I found out that someone else had done it - so it was pretty useless. Reckon I need to get out a bit more. I'll get around to formating properly sometime.

More fucking flats

I'm a bit behind with this news - it's obviously a while since I lived in Ed - but I just read that the Donaldson School is to be turned into flats.

Always thought that this was one of the best buildings in town. Hope they don't fuck it up.

Road to relaxation

Scotland's roads have been voted the best for relaxing Sunday drives.

Two routes in particular were picked out:

The A817 from Loch Lomond to Garelochhead was at number three in the top 10 Sunday-drive roads, with the A87 Invergarry to Isle of Skye, in the Western Highlands, at number seven.

Today's Teuchter watch

I've decided that Teuchters are everyone outside of Dundee, Edinburgh, or Glasgow. Not true, but it makes compiling the Teuchter watch easier.

It's all going down in Galloway:

Residents in Gatehouse are worried about the spread of Japanese Knotweed along the river and open areas in the town.

I think that knotweed is a bit like Triffids, or perhaps like weaver fish.

Where's the meat?

The girls in my office are finding this Scottish Beef advert amusing.

Scotland's greatest painting

The Glasgow Herald is running a search for Scotland's favourite painting.

Dunno what the criteria is but I've always liked Salvador Dali's Christ of St John of the Cross which is owned by Glasgow. Last I heard it was being shown at the St Mungo Museum of Religious Life and Art.

There's bin a murder

Only when drunk would you even consider fancying Blythe Duff.
Colin McCredie is verifiably the worst actor on television.

Alex Norton is just fucked off that he didn't get the role of Rebus.

The scripts are poor knock offs of Bill Knox novels.

...and yet still Taggart is one of the best things on telly

Current series is running weekly on ITV - Tuesdays at 9PM

It's a fucken repeat!

STOPTHEPRESS: Scottish executive not so useless

I have to admit that when the Scottish Executive legislated for the right of women to get their tits out in public I thought that it was an example of devolved government gone mad - who the fuck in the 21st Century could object to breast feeding?

I now take it all back.

While visiting Hampton Court Palace Margaret Mikkelson tried to breast-feed and was told to put her melons away. An absolute disgrace, and the sooner England passes law to protect breast-feeding mothers the better.

Close the beach - we need a bigger fucking boat

Only the brave or foolhardy would venture into the Scottish sea - but a bigger risk than woollen trunks and freezing water now lurks beneath the waves.

The Scotsman report that numbers of the poisonous Weaver fish have quadrupled in recent years and pose a risk to holidaymakets visiting Scottish beaches.

Tell yer granny to put her flip-flops on when she paddling.

Scottish events in Malaysia

The Malay Mail reports on a series events being held in Malaysia to Celebrate Scotland. All looks like fun but I'm most impressed that the British Council has a "resident story-teller." Perhaps ex-pats can call him/her up when they are having trouble sleeping?

Full details of events, including a chance to win a trip to Scotland on the British Council site.

Still Game - still quality

Adding the sound clip on that last item reminded that a new series of Still Game is currently showing on BBC 2 on fridays at 10PM. Pure quality by the way.

If you missed Friday's show it's repeated on Tuesday at 10:35 on BBC 2 Scotland - Sky channel 960.

More on the Wallace Walk

Frankly, David Ross seems a right pompous prick, and the type of nationalist bore that I'd cross the road to avoid...but I promised you more details so here they are.

After the jump the man,"few people can be unaware of."

Aye Right ya fanny!

Scotland to be first with same-sex marriages

A clerical mistake means that Scotland will be first to offer civil partnership ceremonies to same-sex couples on December 20th.

Kind of screws up the plans of Brighton Council who had planned to open up at midnight on December 21 to be the first.

In your face Brighton!

The Miracle of Traquair

I love this heart warming story from the Peeblesshire News about Traquair resident Anna Vaughan who was caught up in the London bombings.

Anna probably, kind-of...almost got on the Circle Line tube with a 7/7 bomber – a “miraculous” escape - even though she intended to get off the tube (which she never got on) before the bomb went off. (I'm lost are you?)

She then had to endure the ‘panic’ and ‘pandemonium’ that descended on London, but strangely no-one else witnessed. I was there - trust me, there was no panic.

Still Anna’s a stoical soul, “you can’t hide from it,” she says – before admitting that she’s chickened out of a return trip to London and that she’ll probably avoid the tube in the future. Do as I say, eh Anna?

Truly an appalling piece of parochial journalism.

Tossin and Hurlin

The Scottish Alternative Games are taking place in New Galloway this weekend.


Not too sure about this one, but they're bound to have a beer tent.

Today's Teuchter watch

You got a problem with that pal?

From the august Aberdeen Evening Express:

Bus passengers in Aberdeen are to be the first in Scotland to be helped by 'talking' signs.

How long till a Ned gets in a fight with it?

Neds vs Klingons - who'd win?

Two of my favourite things -Geeks and Scots

If your in Glasgow get yersel down the SECC. Live long and prosper.

Today's teuchter watch

From the Oban Times

Willie McSporran is to retire from chairman of the Gigha Community Trust. It has been announced that Jane Rennie will be taking over.

Freeeeeeeeeedom!

Some punter is walking all the way from Robroyston in Glasgow to Smithfields in London to celebrate the 700th anniversary of the death of Mel Gibson.

If you're in London on August 23rd you can join him for the last bit of his pilgrimage from Wesminster Hall to Smithfields market. Could be a good chance for a bevvy - there's a great pub nearby.

I'll keep an eye out for more details on when to meet up.

A sad day for Scotland's UEFA coefficient

As a supporter of Scottish football in general it pains me to see Celtic exit European football at the first hurdle.

A more petty man than myself might point out that last night's scoreline must have been partcularly difficult for the Bhoys to take. Artmedia were left exposed as the dross that they always were, and a small spark of hope must have flashed into the hearts of the fans as the urged their team on to get the goal that would take their team into extra time.

But then that hope was cruelly squashed leaving them chewing on the bitter taste of of failure as they trudged off into the gloom of the east end of Glasgow.

Of course I would never revel in such schadenfreude - it truly was a sad day for Scottish football.

Here we go...

So after much chat, and even more beer, here is Caledonia Calling.

The name comes from a Dougie MacLean song, which was used as a either a Tennants (good) or McEwans (bad) lager commerical way back in 1991 or sommat.

The basic idea of the site is that it serves as a portal for all things Scottish - Scottish news, Scottish humour, Scottish football, Scottish food and hospitality, Scottish tourism, Scottish writing and probably most importantly Scottish drink. I'd use that Mike Myers gag here but it's so hackneyed that I just can't force myself.

The primary audience is, er Scottish, and aimed primarily at ex-pats - resident Scots presumably get more than enough of Scottish stuff everyday and probably want to read about Antigua or somewhere the sun shines ocassionally.

There are plenty of other Scottish sites out there so how will this one be different? Well frankly that's pretty much up to me. I'll present what I personally find interesting and hopefully you'll find it interesting too. If you don't then I'm fucked , and this will suffer a death which will be slower and more lingering that its birth.

I'm looking for something that is a cross between the Drudge Report and Fark.

So, here we go...