Close the beach - we need a bigger fucking boat

Only the brave or foolhardy would venture into the Scottish sea - but a bigger risk than woollen trunks and freezing water now lurks beneath the waves.

The Scotsman report that numbers of the poisonous Weaver fish have quadrupled in recent years and pose a risk to holidaymakets visiting Scottish beaches.

Tell yer granny to put her flip-flops on when she paddling.