Cats allergic to Humans

Thanks to Iain who points us in the direction of work by Vets at the University of Edinburgh which shows that the tables are turning in the battle of allergies. Cats it seems are becoming allergic to humans and developing asthma. Poor little fellas!

Mind you, I've got less sympathy from them after reading this story on Japan Today:

Cat bites senile woman's toes off at Saitama welfare facility

Politicians- spending your cash in London too

It's easy to forget but there are Scottish MPs in London too (yeah, I don't know what they do either). Under the freedom of information act we now get to see what expenses MPs claim and you'll be happy to know that 2 Scottish MPs appear in the top 5 list of most profligate Wonks.

Congratulations to Angus Robertson, member for Moray, whose £160,776 total includes an enigmatic £10,615 for "other expenses".

Come on down Peter Duncan, representative of Galloway and Upper Nithsdale, who chalked up £17,132 on stationary and postage as part of his £158,032 binge. If he's got a web site I can't find it which might explain why the daft bastard hasn't saved money using email!

They've both got a bit of way to go to beat Croydon's Geraint Davies who got through 176 grand - so do your bit for Scotland. If you write to these punters to congratulate them you'll help push their expenses up!

Find out how your MP is doing here (PDF link).

Welcome to Lower Scotland

At first I thought Lower Scotland was the bit in the Valleys but no, it's a bunch of North Carolina curtain-twitchers who out paedos on the web. Hurrah!

(all of today's news is boring me)

Scotland crash to defeat

Was so caught up in the success of Andy Murray that I completely missed the fact that Azerbaijan stuffed the Scots at handball - I hear they went fucking mental on the streets of Baku.

No idea what Handball is, but I read a nice piece in last week's Economist about Kickball (sub probably required). Apparently you can play Kickball whilst holding a fag and drinking a beer so I'm surprised it's not bigger in Scotland.

Murray wins!

Congrats to the boy Murray for beating wet Tim. I was watching on a tiny web TV screen so can't report on the state of his lappers!

Full report from MacLemon later.

Yanks unimpressed by McConnell trip

The Herald, Daily Record, Scotsman, BBC et al. are all full of McConnell today - he's been getting in a New York shopping trip ahead of Christmas.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if he's Stateside to drum up interest in Scotland then all this coverage in the Scottish press is irrelevant - as well as boring. The whole point of the trip is to get into the US media so that Yanks will buy more shortbread. So I carried out a quick McConnell watch:

New York Times, New York Post, New York Daily News, New York Sun - nada.
USA Today - hee haw.
Wall Street Journal - SFA.

A prize of some shortbread to anyone who can break this woeful duck and find some US coverage of the trip.

In the meantime Jack, forget about the waste of taxpayers' money and get us one of those video iPods while yer there.

English still shitting on Culloden

Over 250 years after Culloden and the locals of the area are still getting shat on by the English..and all the other tourists.

Reminds me of when my wife stomped around the Culloden fields for five minutes before declaring very loudly, in her very English accent that, "this is a bit crap." The earth trembled to the tune of spinning Jacobites.

I McRobot

The geeks at Carnegie Mellon's School of Computer Science need to get out more and take up an interest in girls - after the jump the shocking proof (in typical nerdy PDF format)

Whatever happened to the good old days when computer scientists used to get up to this type of shit.

Bird Flu is Scottish

Hold your heads high, Scotland invented bird flu - and it's taking on the world in a way that our football team can only dream of!

Add it to the list: television, telephones, penicillin, antisepsis, the steam engine...we even invented the US Navy god damn it.


I spotted this on Doctorvee's blog so credit to him.

Follow-up: Most dismal town in Scotland

Cumbernauld has won Prospect’s most dismal town in Scotland award for the second time. Council officials are predictably outraged.

Mind you I don't fancy a picnic in any of the other finalist towns either - Irvine, Greenock, Granton, Ardrossan and Coatbridge.

Me collar has been felt

Went up to Glasgow last Wednesday to see some football.

Walking to the ground I remembered that unlike England I wouldn't be able to buy a drink at the game, then I realised that I wasn't going to get into any of the pubs which were full. I spotted an Off License that unsurprisingly in these circumstances was doing a roaring trade. Bought a can of beer after queuing up for about 10 minutes, cracked it open and continued walking to the game.

Got about 10 yards before I came across a police van where I was pulled over, had the drink taken off me and was informed that I being reported to the Procurator Fiscal for breaking laws relating to drinking in public.

Not sure what pisses me off about this the most so I've made a list:

1) I'm not free to consume a legally purchased product wherever the hell I want.
2) The police officer could have seen from my reaction (and my London address) that I had no idea I was breaking the law and let me off with a warning.
3) The police were waiting 10 yards from an off license so that they could catch people as they came out -this had nothing to do with policing but a lot to do with revenue generation.

Anyway the result is a 25 quid fine - cunts!

The dead poets' Society

I've become unhealthily obsessed with the idea of some melancholic poet touring the Highlands in the Transit van trying, singlehandedly, to fight the menace of Teuchter Suicide.

My random thoughts on the matter:

1) The only bit of poetry I have ever been able to memorise belongs to Keats it goes like this:

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call’d him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die

2) Poets who have killed themselves:

John Berryman
Hart Crane
Sergei Esenin
Adam L. Gordon
Randall Jarrell
Vladimir Mayakovsky
Sylvia Plath
Sarah Teasdale
Anne Sexton

3) Happy poets - Pam Ayres

God help them, God help them all.

Big Swinging Dicks

When the big bonus season hits London - this happens.

When the big bonus season hits Aberdeen - this happens.

What rhymes with suicide?

Hi-Art, a government funded body tasked with developing the arts in the Highlands, has decided to deploy a crack commando force of poets to tackle the problem of the high suicide rate among Teuchters.

I am not making this shit up. Let's just hope that they keep off the Slyvia Plath.

Celebrating Scotland in Mississippi

G'on yersel Greenwood, Mississippi - where on October 23 the local Presbyterians will be celebrating all things Scottish.

You know the kind of thing Kilts, Tartans, Bagpipes....and then Greenwood being in the deep South and the locals being Presbyterian they'll get together a gang and go lynch some papists.

Hot Diggedy!

Slow news day?

WTF?

I bet you the reporter sent out to cover that story goes home tonight feeling satisfied with life.

Hope they didn't get too near the statue of Greyfriars Bobby - there's a bowl beneath the statue that always used to be filled with boke. Actually thinking back I probably frequently contributed to this alternative civic fountain.

Cheap Hotels in Scotland

I’m often shocked at just how expensive Scottish Hotels are – especially as the high prices don’t necessarily mean high quality service or amenities. Was therefore happy to see that yesterday’s Observer ran a piece on good quality hotels for less than £50 as picked by the editor of the Good Hotel Guide. Here are the Scottish ones:

Ardoch Lodge, Strathyre, Stirling
Colintraive Hotel, Collintraive, Argyll
The Sheiling, Ullapool, Highland
Hart Manor, Eskdalemuir, D&G

Architecture award for Scottish Parliament

The Scottish Parliament Building has won the Royal Institute of British Architects’ Stirling Prize. Bit of a surprise as a library in Brighton and Foster’s McLaren Centre were favourites to win.

I could bang on about the four hundred and thirty fucking one million pounds that the building cost, or the fact that it took it three years longer to build that it should of...but it’s Sunday afternoon and the sun is shining. So instead I say well done - and I hope that the award helps bring lots of visitors to Ed, and I am glad we have a building that we can be proud of - pity about the contents.

Housekeeping

Caledonica Calling is still officially a beta product. I launched it in its current form to test the Blogger software, and found that I was getting enough traffic to justify the effort of keeping it going. However this means that the whole site is still a work in progress, thanks for bearing with me.

I'm still not sure about the platform - Blogger is great but I want something which has a few more CMS features. I might give Typepad a go. Once that's sorted I need to get the design done, and then finalise the editorial line up. This sort of crap is my day-job so having to think about it in the evenings is not a lot of fun.

In the spirit of putting up content no matter how rough it looks I've added a page which has some Scottish products and services that I recommend. I'm also playing around with the Google Ads - hence the Green Monster currently sitting at the top of the page - give it a click.

Teuchter Watch

Rowe Sports is closing three Dumbartonshire Stores. Shops affected are the Dumbarton High Street branch, along with branches on Mitchell Way in Alexandria and Sinclair Street, Helensburgh.

Where the fuck will the local neds get their trackies from?

A modern fable

Paisley lad emails girlfriend 300 times a day, follows this up with constant text messages.

Unsurprisingly Girlfiend leaves him, employers sack him.

Paisley lad becomes famous in India.

The bancrupt skies

I'm sorry, but anyone stupid enough to book with an airline called Air Scotland is asking for trouble.

Can't help smiling at the thought of the pilot going through his wallet trying to pay for the fuel with his credit cards!

The weather

Apparently it's been raining a bit in Scotland.

How come there's always some smug bastard with a canoe?

Mind you I've got a mate who used to like to keep a canoe in the bedroom of his girlfriend’s flat in Edinburgh.

Scotsports

Our football team can only put in a good performance when the result is meaningless, but it's good to see that we're doing well in other sports.

In Hockey, the Scottish mens team has moved up 2 places in the world rankings t0 20th. It's not because they've won any games mind - just that a new method of calculating them has been introduced. Hey, you've got to take success where you can!

For world domination look no further than Stone Skimming where Scots won all six titles that were up for grabs in last month's World Championships.

And it's great to see that as soon as a genuine world-class Scottish star emerges - in the form of Andy Murray - that we are tripping up over ourselves to take on England at Tennis. Such is the scramble to play the inaugural Aberdeen cup against the auld enemy that the Scottish team seems to be made of Andy Murray's family and his dog.

Rockall Times

Spotted by Big Dave (Tarquin at the weekends) :

The Rockall Times is a pretty good satirical site curiously named after a lump of rock in the North Atlantic. As they say themselves – there’s fuck all on Rockall.

Monarch of the mountain rescue

Prince William has apparently suggested that he might spend his gap year working for the Scottish mountain rescue.

This has led to much consternation at the Braemar Mountain Rescue Team who have announced that the Prince would be limited to washing cars and making tea. They are worried that if put on active duty young girls from around the World would head for the Highlands and pretend to be in trouble in the hope of receiving mouth to mouth from the horse faced heir to the throne.

An Absolute Laugh

After recent postings on bigotry, profligacy and incompetence I think we need something to cheer us up.

For those of you who remember Calum Gilhooley, the Stoneybridge Council and Don and George here is a slice of nostalgia.

For you young whippersnappers sit down and work your way through these vid-eh-oh clips.

Shite in any language

The number of Gaelic speakers in Scotland has fallen by over 7000 so that less than 2% of the population can speak it.

Education minister Peter Peacock said: "This survey is good news for Gaelic showing that the language is gaining support throughout Scotland."

I'm sorry, but someone needs to sack this fucking muppet.

Of course following on from the story below it's no surprise at all to hear that a government Bill to create a Gaelic quango, enforce all public bodies in Scotland to draw up a "Gaelic plan" and hire more Gaelic teachers recieved unanimous support from MSPs.

I frequently talk shite - where's my public grant?

Scotland - another reason not to go back

God, it's all very depressing today.

A recent report shows that the Scottish economy is propped up public spending. After the jump a tale of economic woe:

"In Argyll and Clyde, 76% of the economy is generated from the state, in the form of spending by councils, health boards and through other forms of government activity. In Ayrshire and Arran, the figure is 74%. In Lanarkshire, it is 72%."

I've often joked about how every second ad on Scottish TV seems to from the Government - looks like I was more right than I thought.

Spot the religous leader...win a prize

West Lothian councillor Duncan Maclean berates "queers" and asks why they "have to parade about in public". Unsurprisingly he turns to the Bible to support his brain-wrongs. "As the Bible teaches, 'wrong-doers will not inherit the kingdom of God'."

The result is that he is rightly decried as a bigot and pressured to resign.

Also on the issue of Gay Marriage, Cardinal Keith O’Brien uses his pulpit to attack MSPs for their "intent on enacting unjust and immoral laws."

Same message slightly different language. The Councillor is a nutter but the Cardinal is apparently a religious leader. Fucking stinks if you ask me.

Tartan Podcast

Got masel a wee Nano when I was Stateside. Anyone with an ipod should check out the podcasting facility that you get with the latest version of iTunes. This bad boy [Tartan Podcast] is well worth a listen.

Now all I need to do is track down some Swamp Trash...anyone?

Scotland's most dismal town

Nominations are being taken for Prospect Magazine's Carbuncle Awards. There are three categories:

The Plook On The Plinth Award for the most dismal town in Scotland

The Pock Mark Award for the worst planning decision.

The The Zit Building Award for the worst building put up since 2001.

Past winner Cumbernauld seems to be doing well in the running for most dismal town yet again - but let's not forget Polmont. The picture on your right is the club house for the Polmont Golf Club! Can you image what their schemes look like if that concrete monstrosity is their golf club? Get voting for the 'Mont.

In the Navy

Perhaps it's the Trafalgar Square/Nelson's Column thing but I have always thought of Trafalgar as an English battle.

An article in this month's Scottish Field points out that

- a third of the crew of HMS Victory was Scottish
- Five of Nelson's captains were Scottish
- The youngest of the 18,000 British crew at the Battle was a 10 year old cabin boy from Leith (even in 1805 Leith lads would do anything to bunk off School)

Turns out that the Purser of the HMS Belleisle shared my surname - the real one rather than D'Marriotti. If you want to check out if any of your own clan/family were there then visit this site from the National Archives.

Backatcha

Yeah, yeah - I'm back.

Thanks to McLemon for keeping it real in my absence - especially for posting pictures from my long lost youth, which my work colleagues then circulated throughout the office- how we all laughed.

He's going to hang around and keep us updated the length of Andy Murray's lappers, and the best places to get pakora. Pure Quality man.